Last Train For Crazytown

Last Train For Crazytown
Vol: 96 Issue: 24 Thursday, September 24, 2009

The hardest part of this column is this sentence, because after watching yesterday s General Assembly speeches, I scarcely know where to begin.

The most entertaining speech was given by Libya s Muammar Ghadaffi, or Khadaffi there are about eight different ways I ve seen his name spelled the only consistency is that daffi is always in there somewhere.

As it happens the UN General Assembly is currently being chaired by a Libyan diplomat, Ali Treki. It was Libyan Treki that had insisted that all heads of state speak for no longer than 15 minutes.

Awkward for Treki when it was The Boss s turn. Treki introduced Ghadaffi to the United Nations as Moammar Ghadaffi , (or something spelled similarly, preserving the daffi part) The King of Kings and Leader of the Revolution.

(I don’t recall if there were any trumpets)

When Ghadaffi’s tirade went over an hour, poor Ali Treki sent a note to the Leader of the Revolution reminding him of the fifteen minute rule. Ghadaffi threw the note (and probably Treki s death warrant) over his shoulder and babbled for some ninety-six minutes.

The Libyan terrorist leader and mass murderer offered a few words of high praise for the Great Obama, Kenyan Son of Africa, to whom he also referred to as my son on several occasions.

Ghadffi also had a few words of sympathy for those diplomats suffering from either jet lag — or from infection by US-engineered bioweapons like the H1N1 flu.

(Photos of the podium released after his speech showed that at least some of it had been jotted down on a cocktail napkin. Honest.)

Ghadaffi s babble went on for so long that it threw the rest of the UN schedule completely out. By the time that Mahmoud Iminajihad made it to the podium, it was well after seven o clock.

Ahmadinejad opened his remarks by calling on Allah to ” . . .hasten the arrival of Imam fit-Mahdi and grand him good health and victory and make us his followers and those who attest to his rightfulness.

Uh-oh.

To the Twelvers the largest sect within Shia Islam — Iman fit-Mahdi is a combination of messiah and military genius. Some Islamic scholars say it is the Mahdi that is identified in the Christian Bible as the rider on the white horse of Revelation 6:6.

Belief in the Mahdi is central to both Sunni and Shi ite Islamic eschatology. The Mahdi (means guided one ) is the redeemer of the world. He accomplishes this redemption by taking his place at the head of a vast Islamic army of conquest before the Islamic Resurrection Day.

This conquering army, with the Mahdi leading the way and Isa (Jesus) at his side, will rid the world of error, injustice and tyranny, convert the infidel world to Islam and ultimately usher in a period of world-wide Islamic paradise.

While the Mahdi is as common to Islam as the 2nd Coming is to Christianity, there are variations. Ahmadinejad is a member of the Shi ite Twelvers They believe the Mahdi is the 12th Imam from Mohammed, who was born in 868 AD and was hidden by Allah at age five.

The hadiths say that he is in occultation meaning, awaiting the time decreed by Allah for his return. As to the time of his return, the hadiths say he will not return in an odd-numbered year.

(Before you wipe the sweat from your brow in relief at this being 2009, it s 1430 on Islam s calendar.)

Uh-oh.

Ahmadinejad has said on many previous occasions that he believes it is his religious duty, just as it is your religious duty as a Christian to share the Gospel, to start the war that summons the Mahdi — if he doesn t, he can t be certain of paradise.

Now, let s assume that the little dictator really believes that. I mean, he believes it like you believe Jesus is coming again. Except Ahmadinejad believes he has a singular mission and that he was personally chosen by Allah to fulfill it.

And why wouldn t he believe that Allah chose him? After all, he is the leader of the proud Persian Empire whose history stretches in an unbroken line back to the conquest of Babylon in the 7th century before Christ.

And out of all the Islamic world, did not Allah furnish him with nuclear weapons? And if that isn t enough, Ahmadinejad is clearly every bit as nuts as Muammar Ghadaffi. But since he is a nut with a nuke, he s way scarier.

When Ahmadinejad told the world body; Clearly, continuation of the current circumstances in the world is impossible, he was speaking of Israel.

It was at about this point that the various delegations began — one at a time so as not to mute the impact to get up and walk out. So some of them didn t hear him close his speech with promises of a coming world peace.

These will all come true under the rule of the Perfect Man, the last Divine Source on earth, Hazrat Mahdi (Peace be upon him); an offspring of the Prophet of Islam, who will re-emerge, and Jesus Christ (Peace be upon him) and other noble men will accompany him in the accomplishment of this, grand universal mission.

I m sure they would have been as relieved as I was.

Assessment:

The scenario is so eerily reminiscent of the political atmosphere of the 1930 s that it almost seems like a movie remake.

You know, where the filmmakers take some historical situation and re-write it for the modern era and explore the what-if possibilities?

I once saw one starring Rutger Hauer that was set in Adolf Hitler s Germany in 1964. It was interesting but the movie didn t really take off. You can t make stuff like that up. The truth is always stranger than fiction.

In the movies, America s leader would stand bravely against these dictatorial regimes, shake his fist defiantly, and as the various delegations walked out, ordered his Pentagon to prepare for war.

In the real world, America s leader apologized to the dictators for rightly despising his country. But it wasn t his fault. It was because of the evil George Bush. Oh, and the American people, too, but only until they saw the light and elected him to lead them.

I took office at a time when many around the world had come to view America with skepticism and distrust. Part of this was due to misperceptions and misinformation about my country. Part of this was due to opposition to specific policies, and a belief that on certain critical issues, America has acted unilaterally, without regard for the interests of others.

Bad America! And no wonder Ghadaffi and Ahmadinejad are so cranky!

(“But don t worry. My country used to be evil, but now, I m here. I am come to inject some character into my sorry nation and to redefine our cause.”)

For those who question the character and cause of my nation, I ask you to look at the concrete actions we have taken in just nine months. On my first day in office, I prohibited — without exception or equivocation — the use of torture by the United States of America. (Applause.)

I ordered the prison at Guantanamo Bay closed, and we are doing the hard work of forging a framework to combat extremism within the rule of law. Every nation must know: America will live its values, and we will lead by example.

I have outlined a comprehensive agenda to seek the goal of a world without nuclear weapons. In Moscow, the United States and Russia announced that we would pursue substantial reductions in our strategic warheads and launchers.

Upon taking office, I appointed a Special Envoy for Middle East Peace, and America has worked steadily and aggressively to advance the cause of two states — Israel and Palestine — in which peace and security take root, and the rights of both Israelis and Palestinians are respected.

It was all about the O. . . . I did this, I did that, and look at what a better place the world already is, thanks to Me it was as embarrassing as it was untrue.

He promised at various times, to reach out to Russia, Iran, North Korea, Haiti, Congo, East Timor and even promised to pursue a lasting peace with the Sudan.

We will pursue a lasting peace in Sudan through support for the people of Darfur and the implementation of the Comprehensive Peace Agreement, so that we secure the peace that the Sudanese people deserve.

(As soon as those pesky rascals in Khartoum finish up their genocidal slaughter of the non-Muslims they are busy pursuing right now)

President Obama s obligatory nod to freedom and human rights was to quote from the UN Charter that has been routinely ignored since its adoption sixty-one years ago in 1948.

Obama pointed out that, as compared to other systems of government, like fascism, communism, oligarchy, monarchy, and dictatorships of various religions and creeds, well, democracy s not perfect, either.

Democracy cannot be imposed on any nation from the outside. Each society must search for its own path, and no path is perfect. Each country will pursue a path rooted in the culture of its people and in its past traditions. And I admit that America has too often been selective in its promotion of democracy.

(“So, if your cultural path says women are not full persons, mandates honor killings, stones people to death for crimes like blasphemy and adultery, then you need to know that the New America, under Me, respects you for it.”)

I guess that means that gone are the bad old days were America only promoted democracy selectively .

(I ll leave you to ponder what that means, but it seems kind of suspicious and sinister, like we only promoted democracy to people who cling to religion and guns and have antipathy towards those who aren t like them.)

Ghadaffi closed his speech by praising Obama, son of Africa. Ahmadinejad closed his speech by praising the Mahdi who would soon bring the peace of conquest to Obama, son of Africa.

I have to admit that Ghadaffi, Leader of the Revolution, scared me. So did Ahmadinejad, Bringer of the Mahdi. But the scariest speaker was Obama, son of Africa.

Obama closed his speech by promising: The United States stands ready to begin a new chapter of international cooperation — one that recognizes the rights and responsibilities of all nations.

(Not like the old chapter in which the old, bad America ran roughshod over those rights and responsibilities. This is America with an ‘O’.)

Far from admitting the UN has failed miserably at every single mission it has undertaken since the Korean War, Obama praised the UN for its good will and effectiveness and promised to work toward was sounds suspiciously like rewarding their incompetence with more power.

The United Nations does extraordinary good around the world — feeding the hungry, caring for the sick, mending places that have been broken. But it also struggles to enforce its will, and to live up to the ideals of its founding.

(“Hey! Let s give the UN more authority to enforce its will. That s another great idea! It all sounds great. Force Israel to make peace with her bitterest enemies. Reach out with both hands to our bitterest enemies. Forget about democracy it doesn t work anyway.”)

The central theme of Obama’s speech appeared to be that the only reason America is worthy of a second chance in the court of world opinion was because it was wise enough to elect him.

Obama s America is a new America, not like the old America that ran roughshod over everybody, but a new America filled to overflowing with Obamalicious goodness.

And if you know anybody who doesn t see things that way, there is a 1-800 number you can use to denounce him before he spreads more harmful disinformation.

Operators are standing by.

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